Dear Pneuma,

Did you know I have been working on a composition?  Did you know I have been working on a book?  Did you know I am planning a concert in the fall?  Did you know I have been painting my house?  Did you know I have been leading music groups and organizing worship for about 30 hours a week while being paid and expected to work for 5 hours a week?  Did you know I have been managing finances and maintaining a social life?  Did you know I have been running regularly and meeting with health professionals as well as keeping up with long-distance friends and family?  

Did you notice I am crazy?  Too much.  I take on too much.  Then I have to drop something and I feel like a failure; you know the person I mean: a loser,  a liar, one of those people that you want to avoid because their lives are made up of problems they themselves created, but they are either too stupid or too self-willed to change their behavior.  

I feel like that.  Is there someone out there that juggles all of these balls and can keep them in the air?  If it is impossible, why do I keep trying to do it?  If it is possible, why can't I seem to get the hang of it?

The thing that really makes me feel like cringing away and burying myself in blankets until next fall is shame.  I feel ashamed because I am afraid of the consequences of failure.  I am afraid to admit that I am a mediocre person.  

What will people think of me if I say I am going to do something and then I don't follow through?  What kind of friend am I if I want to avoid discussions because I am too tired and stressed out to truly listen and care?  What kind of whiner am I if I think I am working hard when I KNOW most everyone else is working harder?  Why can't I just tough it out like everyone else?  Why can't I just put in that extra effort and pull it all together?  

Yet, something tells me that only in facing down these fears will I find ways to stay out of this position in the future: this position of lies where I act like it costs me nothing to meet expectations; this position where I put my goals on hold to perform up to non-existent standards; this position where I calculate self-worth based on hours worked, stress accrued, and number of innovations implemented in a short time; this position where I seem to think that trust, loyalty and faith are rewards I can earn.

Time-that seems to be key.  Take time.  Allow time.  Trust time.  Believe in time.  In the meantime, I shall let go of my myth and embrace myself, one more time.  I shall walk face first into the meetings and allow others to be proven right.  I shall gather the bits and pieces of the goals I scattered and try to put them back together.  I shall take a deep breath and decide that my first responsibility is not to another's hopes or expectations, and I shall try, yet again, to take things slowly, one step at a time.  I shall name myself  less than I have hoped I could be.

So-Book, I release you.  Composition, I release you.  Job, I release you.  Home decoration, I release you.  Responsibilities, I release you.  Exercise, I release you.  Concert, I release you. Relationships, I release you.  Greatness, I release you.  Whatever I have said I will do, I release you.  

I can fail.  I can lie.  I can hurt.  I can incomplete.  I can quit.  I can be whoever it is I am.

I can.  I will

Cobalt Dreams