Dear Pneuma,

Don't you love it when a metaphor comes to mind that helps you figure yourself out? I finally had a quiet day in which to reflect, and I found myself struggling with my faith. I have spent a few weeks in pretty intense religious surroundings, and I noticed that I was harboring resentment and sarcastic commentary for almost the entire time. It was as though the old agnostic cynic was trying to seize control of me, by battering and bruising my spirit. So that little blade that I have called Christianity, was starting to wilt-I was beginning to question why I got baptized.

Then, today, while I was reflecting, I saw a reed in my mind. Where I grew up, that reed is something we call snake grass. Snake grass stands up tall and stiff, but often blends into the surrounding grasses. If you bend it over, it will develop a small scar on one side, though it will stand back up. If you push it over enough times, at exactly that place, it will break or lay down and it won't stand back up.

My spirit can be like that grass. It has places where it has been pushed over, cut, and left laying down. Generally, those wounds were not intentional. It is very easy to step on grass. Nevertheless, those are places of weakness in me. What's more, my habit has been to stay down when pushed over. My habit has been to mourn and moan the loss of my stiff uprightness. My habit has been to curse the foot that crushed me.

Here is where the metaphor helped. Opposite the crushed bent side of the reed, is a strong, unbroken side. That side has been overdeveloped. That side pulls constantly. That side is stiff and invulnerable. It says, "Go ahead and push at me, I won't go down." My habit has been to harden my strong side. My habit has been to resist and refuse to bend.

Therefore, Pneuma, I am going to reengage by nurturing and strengthening the bent, broken bits. I am going to find sources of support and care in feeding, watering and upholding my belief in Christ. I am going to reengage by bending and flexing the stiff, hardened bits. I am going to respond with acceptance instead of righteous indignation, and allow my pride to take the bruises for a while. I am going to accept my responsibility in getting my faith reed to thrive.

Love Always,

Cobalt Dreams