Dear Pneuma,

I am torn. Do I pray to be released from my selfishness, or do I pray to become blinded to it?

I caught myself in the act this morning. I caught myself wishing with ardent fervor and very real anxiety that a certain thing not happen to me, as if, by closing my eyes and saying "please no, please no," I could avert something I want to avoid. Does that kind of praying feed someone's hunger? Does that kind of wishing avert the rape; this disease; that war? Where do I get off thinking that the world shouldn't happen to me?

When did I become so selfish?

But, Pneuma, I am scared to be shown the root of my selfishness. I am afraid to look deeply at myself and find what drives that self-obsession. I am afraid of the answer I will find there. I am afraid that I won't be able to pay what it asks of me.

Holding On,
Cobalt Dreams