Dear Pneuma,
I think, if we do not want to be liars, we should never speak of the past. I found myself a liar this week, as I received transcripts from my time at the University. For years, I have been telling people that I carried an average of 24 credit hours every semester.

I did not. I carried an average of 16 credit hours per semester. Hm. I swear, I was not trying to build myself up to more than I am. I honestly believed that more semesters than not, I had to get an override so I could carry more than 20 credits. Apparently, I only needed to do that one time. My transcripts, in green and black, prove me to be a liar.

What do I do with the revision that time makes of the past? So much that I count as revelation in my later life, is based on memories of people, places and actions in the past. The grudges I have released, as well as the forgivenesses I have embraced, rely on a memory that cannot be relied upon. This seems dangerous to me.

It seems to imply that no matter what has happened, the only truth is here and now. It seems to imply that no matter what my relationships have been, the only true statements can be made about my relationships as they are right now. Does that mean that to grieve the loss of my brother is nonsensical? After all, I grieve when I remember him. Does that mean that my memory of the way in which my first lover betrayed me is a useless piece of misinformation? After all, if I cannot accurately remember how many classes I took in school, how can I possibly accurately remember actions and events that are clouded with anger, hurt and dismay?

Can I find freedom in that? Can I truly know myself without believing in my past? What do I do in a culture that tells me to "learn from my mistakes?" How can I truly trust my decisions, if I do not allow myself to draw from my experience in the past? How do I avoid the pitfalls of dangerous and abusive relationship if I allow myself to forget the map drawn from dangerous and abusive relationships in the past?

Coming this morning from church, I have to wonder if Christianity doesn't tell us something of this. In Christ, all our past is forgiven. Christians are taught that forgiveness heals us, where retribution and jealousy will not. Many Christian traditions suggest that in Baptism, we become new people, and it seems that we are called to faithfully be made "new every morning." Perhaps, then, Christians are called to forget. Perhaps, in letting go completely of the past's fetters: of family obligations, material possessions, sorrows, injustice, attainments and most importantly fear, we will be freed to fulfill our potential as whole beings in this world.

Yet, when I juxtapose these teachings with the ritual of Communion on this World Communion Sunday, I find a mystery, because Communion relies on remembrance. More, it relies on cultural remembrance of events that no one alive had the opportunity to witness. We are taught that the ritual and meaning of Communion have been passed down the generations, since the time of Christ. We have this understanding on the word of people, speaking through their memory of the past. So, how can we possibly believe the truth of such ancient teachings, when we cannot even rely on the simple memory of how many times we had to get an override to sign up for classes?

I think, for the rest of today, and maybe for many days into the future, I will dwell on this problem: how to rely on remembrance, while forgetting the past; how to discern the difference between truth and fact, and how to experience transformation in revisiting the people, places and actions of my past, without making those memories the rigid, absolute patterns of the actual people, places and actions of the past.

Take Care of Yours.
Know I am thinking of you,
Cobalt Dreams