Dear Pneuma,

Last week I went to a conference and heard a woman named Roberta Bondi speak on prayer. Somehow, her lectures inspired me to reengage my prayer life. I had been on auto-pilot, assuming that God knows what I need, when I need it and will provide whether or not I ask. Silly of me. I know that relationship with God is active and dynamic and necessarily requires attention from me.

So, I started a small prayer discipline. It is hard to describe what has happened. I have become more aware of my feelings, and I have found significant clarity in the question that has been plaguing me for months now. Below, I will share the conversation that I had with myself, but I want to reiterate one of my personality traits: I believe that choosing is the definition of faithful response to Life.

" . . . maybe this is necessary for me to be able to relate to new people and forge new meaning for this life I am living.

I need to start building new relationships
-i'm not safe. i have attachment disorders, i'm incapable . . .

[Wow! Who knew you believed this of yourself. You used to believe you were poison in love relationships. Where is this coming from?]

-past jobs

[In what ways?]

-well, i had a strong vision, selfish, of a program at my last job, and i forced that vision over (listening to the needs of those i was working with)

[I think, possibly, you may have done that to some extent. I do not believe 1. that you did that all of the time, or 2. that the program ultimately suffered under your leadership]

-well, teaching, then. i . . .was looking for validation from students. i told stories to myself about their lives and imagined i was the one person that understood how the world was putting them down; that i was called to discern their inner potential and bring it forth through education. being good by being a crusader. how naive and stupid.

[Wow! How old are you?]

-almost . . .

[How old were you then]

-ten years younger

[Hm]

-i am a hard-shelled, cold person

[What evidence of that do you see?]

-i don't want to give my life over to volunteering to visit or care for people

[Hm.] [That statement bothers you?]

-i do not want to be unfaithful. i fear the consequences of believing faithfulness requires more from me in terms of giving of my being to others. i fear the loss of MY energy, MY time, MY life, and i dislike {hate} being selfish and self-oriented to such an extent.

[Wow! You seem to be holding on to your self, clinging tightly to control-You know, controlled environment, controlled choices, controlled outcomes. Deciding in advance the consequences of attempting to give more of yourself, and not doing anything. If you don't try, you can't fail. How safe.]

-whooo.

[You love throwing yourself over barriers. What barriers does your control create?]

-inhibitions in joining groups and committing time; confusion in regards to "job" choices; anxiety about "being" (specifically, feeling unheard, ineffectual, unimportant, etc.) OH !@#$%%!!! TOO MUCH @#$% ANALYSIS!!! JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO


. . . . .

Still choosing,
Cobalt Dreams