Dear Pneuma,

I have been physically hurting today. I have been physically hurting a lot, lately. I just don't wake up and feel good much anymore. My mom would say I am getting old, but I know some of it is my monster. I am both angry and scared of my monster's attacks on my body. I am angry that I was chosen for this. I am afraid to acknowledge how much I may lose and how many parts of my body may not survive the fight.

Sometimes, I am strong. I get pissed and I fight it. On those days, its teeth don't graze me. On those days, its claws can dig all they want, and I don't care. Unfortunately, sometimes, I am weak, and I bow to its weight on me. I sit, instead of running. I sleep and take it slow. I hold so tight to controlling every aspect of my environment, hoping my monster cannot see me, that I am trapped, and sometimes, when I know that hasn't worked, I lay down and just let it gnaw at me. When that happens, I find it hard to get back up again.

Avoiding pain is so much simpler than engaging it. I find myself angry that I do not have that choice anymore. My monster means dying. Avoiding pain, whether it be physical, intellectual, spiritual, or emotional means dying slow. The only way to mean "alive" is to move; is to do, see, feel, touch and try everything I possibly can. That means hurting a lot. That means getting up when I want to sleep, going out when I want to stay in, saying yes when I want to say no, dancing when my head spins, my legs burn and the very heart of me is beating in a panic that at any moment my monster may choose to strike me down.

I think that perhaps the hardest part in maintaining the balance is that every moment is a choice. When I weep and whine, it is my choice. When I swirl and spin, it is my choice. When I give a day over to pain or fear, that is my choice. When I give a day over to joyfulness and love, that is my choice. That makes for a terrible amount of freedom, and an awesome responsibility. So many times, I make the wrong choice. Maybe someday, some day before I die, I'll actually be able to live up to the challenge.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Cobalt Dreams