Dear Pneuma,

I've been rereading one of my favorite wisdom authors: Sonia Choquette. Her writings really speak to me. She seems to be able to sum up my own situations so clearly. Today, I was reminded that I can look at my life as something I created. Its messes and its works of art are both results of my action, my "focus" and my "intention." (Choquette, Sonia. Your Heart's Desire. Three Rivers Press. New York, 1997. pp. 1-35)

I took stock, and my life is something wonderful. I have a significant relationship with my Beloved. I have faithful, reliable, fun and funny friends. I have a large and living family. I have community. I have shelter, food, and freedom from financial fear. I am free of financial debt, material burden, and I am even in a position to help others that do not have all the material abundance I experience. My health is pretty good and I am in a position to travel freely.

Wow! What a wonderful turnaround from five years ago, when all I had built toward, sacrified to and believed in was shown to be a lie. In those days, I lived life from fear. I tried not to touch others. I believed that if I never asked for anything, nothing would ever be asked from me. I figured I was safe, as I never chose to break the rules.

I was poor, emotionally cold, intelligent, and empty. I was in debt, failing to pay rent, and slave to a motorized vehicle that broke down at its own whim. I woke one day, and was asked to carry a terrible burden. That is when I discovered the wisdom of Sonia Choquette.

That is when I started to "bless my mess." (Choquette, Sonia. Your Heart's Desire. Three Rivers Press. New York, 1997. pp. 2)That is when I decided to need other people. That is when I decided to break rules and damn consequences. What I was carrying was heavy enough that I realized I could carry even more. That was when I decided that hope takes more courage than despair, and that I live to be here in this world.

I won't "leave this world alive." What's more, I won't leave without being scarred, marred, disfigured, beaten, battered, bruised and otherwise marked by it. Though I've lapsed a time or two, this change of "attention" and "intention" has been a great blessing. I wouldn't put down my heavy burden for the world. My heavy burden gave me the world.

Pneuma, I am blessed. My life is a beautiful dream.

Deo Gratias,
Cobalt Dreams